WANTED, DEAD OR DEAD: He ain't Kermit.
It has come to our attention that Coqui Bin Laden, a native of Puerto Rico
but brought here from the Carribean, has been put on the top of Hawaii's
"pest" list along with such notables such as Haunani Trask and
that Chinatown beggar guy who always walks around with his hand out
wanting money (you've seen him - rumor has it he's very wealthy and
eccentric). Beware of Coqui... He's about the size of a quarter and
usually travels with a huge posse
known as Al Qroaka. Together, this fiendish mob terrorizes hundreds
of innocent local people, robbing them of much needed sleep. The
chirp of Coqui Bin Laden and his crew has been known to be more irritating
than Fran Drescher and Rosie Perez having a catfight at a Hanson
Concert. In fact, the Coqui gets it's name from it's signature
mating call (Ko-kee, Ko-kee) which can reach up to 100 decibels if a group
of them are feeling particularly amorous. When it comes to the
noise pollution, it's the male Coqui that we have to watch out for.
Not only does the Coqui have an adverse
effect on sleeping locals, but also a major impact on insect populations
and plants. The Coqui and his posse can eradicate some of the more
fragile local insects and plant species because of the frogs voracious
appetite and ever increasing numbers. They also compete with the
local bird populations for food. In fact, the coqui can
reproduce faster than a crack ho on welfare.
WHO DRINK COKE-Y SOON CROAK-Y
Plant nurseries have been issued
advisories which instruct owners to eradicate this threat on sight.
Minute Long Radio Commercials instruct responsible citizens to stamp out
this new threat. Deadly use of Caffeine has been authorized by the
EPA against Coqui (Coqui's will fatally OD on caffeine). Using caffeine on Coqui could
backfire... As too much caffeine will kill a coqui, lesser amounts will
probably leave you with a hyped-up wide eyed midget tree frog that'll sing
for days. (See Michigan J. Frog from Warner Bros). An experiment
with diluted 'No Doz' tablets in 1998 killed the frogs very quickly, but
still questions loom about how safe these methods are. Hot Water
Sprays against Coqui have also proven effective and safe. Looks like
the key is to either over stimulate or burn the reptiles into submission.
coqui, the Coqui's full name, was introduced to Maui in 1988.
Since then, the pest has spread to the Big Island and has only recently
started to become a BIG problem on Oahu and Kauai. On Oahu, they have
been spotted in Wahiawa, Iwilei, and Kahaluu. Efforts to stop this
pest initially were a case of 'too little, too late'. Only now is
the State moving hard on this problem.
Seriously, the coqui frog problem is just that... It's a dilemma that
won't just croak over and die. Personally, it doesn't rank that high
on my 'to do' list. But I am neither a sleepless resident, an
insect, an indigenous plant, or a hungry bird. So, do your part
Hawaii and kill a frog or two... You'll be helping the local ecosystem get
back on track.
To hear the Coqui, click
here for a star bulletin link. You'll be very sorry.