WANTED, DEAD OR DEAD: He ain't Kermit.  It has come to our attention that Coqui Bin Laden, a native of Puerto Rico but brought here from the Carribean, has been put on the top of Hawaii's "pest" list along with such notables such as Haunani Trask and that Chinatown beggar guy who always walks around with his hand out wanting money (you've seen him - rumor has it he's very wealthy and eccentric).  Beware of Coqui... He's about the size of a quarter and usually travels with a huge posse known as Al Qroaka.  Together, this fiendish mob terrorizes hundreds of innocent local people, robbing them of much needed sleep.  The chirp of Coqui Bin Laden and his crew has been known to be more irritating than Fran Drescher and Rosie Perez having a catfight at a Hanson Concert.  In fact, the Coqui gets it's name from it's signature mating call (Ko-kee, Ko-kee) which can reach up to 100 decibels if a group of them are feeling particularly amorous.  When it comes to the noise pollution, it's the male Coqui that we have to watch out for.

Not only does the Coqui have an adverse effect on sleeping locals, but also a major impact on insect populations and plants.  The Coqui and his posse can eradicate some of the more fragile local insects and plant species because of the frogs voracious appetite and ever increasing numbers.  They also compete with the local bird populations for food.  In fact, the coqui can reproduce faster than a crack ho on welfare.

Plant nurseries have been issued advisories which instruct owners to eradicate this threat on sight.  Minute Long Radio Commercials instruct responsible citizens to stamp out this new threat.  Deadly use of Caffeine has been authorized by the EPA against Coqui (Coqui's will fatally OD on caffeine).  Using caffeine on Coqui could backfire... As too much caffeine will kill a coqui, lesser amounts will probably leave you with a hyped-up wide eyed midget tree frog that'll sing for days. (See Michigan J. Frog from Warner Bros).  An experiment with diluted 'No Doz' tablets in 1998 killed the frogs very quickly, but still questions loom about how safe these methods are.  Hot Water Sprays against Coqui have also proven effective and safe.  Looks like the key is to either over stimulate or burn the reptiles into submission.

Eleutherodactylus coqui, the Coqui's full name, was introduced to Maui in 1988.  Since then, the pest has spread to the Big Island and has only recently started to become a BIG problem on Oahu and Kauai.  On Oahu, they have been spotted in Wahiawa, Iwilei, and Kahaluu.  Efforts to stop this pest initially were a case of 'too little, too late'.  Only now is the State moving hard on this problem.

Seriously, the coqui frog problem is just that... It's a dilemma that won't just croak over and die.  Personally, it doesn't rank that high on my 'to do' list.  But I am neither a sleepless resident, an insect, an indigenous plant, or a hungry bird.  So, do your part Hawaii and kill a frog or two... You'll be helping the local ecosystem get back on track.

To hear the Coqui, click here for a star bulletin link.  You'll be very sorry.